CAN YOU PRAISE CHILDREN TOO MUCH?

In the rush to give children a healthy dose of self-esteem, some adults go too far to praise children. And that can backfire. It doesn't take kids long to realize that all the praise may not be justified. Maybe you fail to gush over a painting the way Mom and Dad have always done. Or a playmate tells them their clay bowl is yucky. It's a rude awakening! A child who is praised too much may fall into the great-expectations trap. These kids feel the only way they can be accepted and loved is to keep performing at higher levels. Too much praise can also set up a fear-of-failure scenario. Kids are so dependent on the approval of others, they may be afraid to take risks. Scared that they won't be able to do a task perfectly, they don't do it at all. This is not to say that adults should act like drill sergeants. It's fine to tell a toddler everything he does is wonderful. And it's also fine to burst out in spontaneous delight over something a child does. But by the time kids are in preschool, caregivers and parents should think about when and how they praise.

DON'T PRAISE INDISCRIMINATELY. Children need and deserve realistic feedback about their accomplishments to understand their strengths and weaknesses. If you gush over everything, they will never recognize that some areas really do need improvement. Instead of treating every painting as a masterpiece, talk about the facts: Look at that deep-blue sky! What a lot of colors you used today! I can't wait to hang up this painting. Think of praise as a form of feedback. The more specific you are, the more important information you impart to the child.

FOCUS ON THE CHILD'S SPECIAL TALENT. Every child has some area of competence, one that can serve as a source of pride and accomplishment. Encourage that special talent and the child's pride in his achievement will transfer to other work.

LOOK AT THE CHILD'S EFFORTS, NOT THE RESULTS. Too often, adults reward the results and forget about the effort. Look back two or three months on the child's progress and concentrate your praise on how much a child has improved.

NEVER COMPARE A CHILD WITH SIBLINGS OR FRIENDS. Many times adults compare one child to another. Encourage children to participate and do well because they enjoy something, not because they want to beat out someone else or prove they're smarter than someone else.

TEACH CHILDREN THAT MAKING MISTAKES IS A NATURAL PART OF THE LEARNING PROCESS. While you will never be able to take away all the disappointment a child will face, you can make sure he doesn't feel defeated by it. For instance, if you see a child is upset because a project didn't come out the way he wanted, you can encourage him to start over or change something in the project.